Deep in the heart of Calcutta our Skunk Works team have been beaving away on the 1st prototype of the mighty Electro-Wallah. A concept so stupid we’re actually rather proud of ourselves.

Now all the round wheel bits have been attached we figured it was time to send out crash test dumbass Alex to wang it about some streets and dirt tracks with his buddy Surya and send back a detailed engineering report. We did’t get that but we had a short chat instead.

Here is the transcript of his post test summoning to the court of adventure…

Hi Alex

“Hi.”

You’re not dead then?

“Not yet.”

So, does it need to be more dangerous then?

“Fuck no. This machine is the dumbest things I’ve sat on in my life. I fell in love with it from the moment I laid eyes on it. 1920’s bicycle technology with electric motors.  It even looks dangerous. Best idea since someone decided to put tea leaves in hot water.” 

Describe the finer points of the ride…

“Well, it has character. The brakes don’t really work, it has a wobble at speeds greater than 20kph, every small bump in the road fractures your spine and it wants to fall over on every corner. It’s perfect.”

How did you and your sloppy pink human meat sack let down our beloved electric coathanger? 

“Fuck off. I’m in the peak of human fitness”

Well what use is that? I’m not and I want to use it. 

“ah, I see what you mean. Nah you’ve basically just got to flap your legs around and the motors do most of the work. Mind you we didn’t get to try much in the way of inclines.”

Why not?

“The front wheel completely folded on the first day after we slammed through a pothole. Then it took us ages to get it replaced.”

So we need stronger wheels.

“If you want to stop them folding like tinfoil yes.”

Tough call. We’ll consider it. Apart from you driving like a fat-handed gibbon – if the Electro-Wallah could talk, what do you think it would say?

“I’m pretty sure it would give me a good bollocking for putting it backside first into a rice paddy field. It’s probably also wondering what it did to deserve the unenviable task of dragging two inexperienced numpties around the backroads of West Bengal instead of living a life of luxury in the city like its brethren.”

Tell me about the pacemaker attached to this electric tricycle…any good?

“When the motors spring to life it’s really quite bloody hard to stop smiling. The exhilarating rush of the wind through your hair.”

And for the bald?

“It’s also good.”

Speaking of body parts, let’s talk about your arse. Describe your arse post-ride to me. Cottage cheese in a used sock that was slapped against a wall?

“For me, the rider’s seat was the most surprising part of the whole bike. It was actually quite comfortable and after a 10-hour day my backside felt like it had only endured a light spanking instead of a total thrashing.”

Bugger. We might need to ruin that. Did anyone object to you dragging yourself around on the back of a newly-electrified, much-beloved cultural icon?

“Like all driving in India, the small backroads were brilliant and the main roads will have you questioning every decision you’ve ever made that has led you there. If I never hear another car horn in my life it will be too soon. The Wallah bike didn’t seem to care too much though.”

Why is the Electro Wallah a work of heavenly inspiration?

“Its diminutive size allows you to explore parts of the country that a larger, smellier vehicle wouldn’t and the bewildering sight of a sweaty-faced tit peddling a three-wheeled Frankenstein piques the curiosity of nearly every person you come across.

The outstanding features such as no suspension, a custom hand-built frame, three wheels and ineffective brakes, make riding the Wallah Bike a butthole-clenching experience at even the most moderate of speeds.” 

I call that a success. Let’s roll into Prototype 2 and see how shit that is.

Want to get your dirty paws on the pioneer Wallah Run? Head to www.theadventurists.com/adventure13 and get your name on the waitlist for the first 20 coveted spots. Pre-orders open Monday 25th November 2024. It’s the sort of thing you’ll regret not doing.